stream of consciousness after inability to sleep

is that gut wrenching, nauseas pain common in life once you leave the teenage years? what's the deal with the can't sleeps and tears. i didn't think i was so weak.
God
so obviously real, yet so totally hard to grasp
he loves me?
he died for me?
he saves me?
he wants to know me?
he forgives me?
he wants me to live eternally with Him?
he uses me?
I mean, what in the world. and why am i asking so many questions. When i was a child, i listened and believed whole heartedly everything i heard.
I'm not a child anymore
as my dad said tonight, im halfway to 40, yikes
but with age, comes learning, and with learning, comes thinking for yourself, and with thinking for yourself comes questions
i like the simple, not the complex. so why do i embrace the complex and lose sleep over it?
because its important. because it matters. because my heart yearns for answers and longs for more and wants to believe that God wants to offer deeper, that God can be more real
desperately i desire more of God. I'm weak, but He is strong. i am torn and useless, but He can use broken vessels that are willing.
im willing
am i really?
willing to what?
willing to die?
thats what He did
for me?
for you?
for everyone?
my selfishness and pride needs to be destroyed
and replaced with the nature and attitude of Christ
I am only human
but He is the Holy Divine God of the everything
WOW
the rainbow, the ocean, the waterfall, the butterfly, the sunflower and the daisy
leave me speechless, breathless
what magnitude, what beauty
from lightening bug to the sparkling star, His brilliance and glory radiates everywhere
But those in the dark do not recognize the light
the cross is foolishness to those who have not believed
they must know
they must hear
we must go
i must go
i must be willing
willing to give my life
to give my life for my Savior and His kingdom
to give my life for a lonely and desolate soul
where? i dont know
when? i dont know
how? i dont know
but this i know, forgetting what is behind and straining ahead, i push forward to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
Its not for a prize though
Its because of Love
We can love because He first loved
Love
no matter the price, the pain, the loss
Love
Love never fails
God is love
God never fails
God will be victorious
Love will be victorious
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Praise the Lord!