stream of consciousness after inability to sleep

is that gut wrenching, nauseas pain common in life once you leave the teenage years? what's the deal with the can't sleeps and tears. i didn't think i was so weak.
God
so obviously real, yet so totally hard to grasp
he loves me?
he died for me?
he saves me?
he wants to know me?
he forgives me?
he wants me to live eternally with Him?
he uses me?
I mean, what in the world. and why am i asking so many questions. When i was a child, i listened and believed whole heartedly everything i heard.
I'm not a child anymore
as my dad said tonight, im halfway to 40, yikes
but with age, comes learning, and with learning, comes thinking for yourself, and with thinking for yourself comes questions
i like the simple, not the complex. so why do i embrace the complex and lose sleep over it?
because its important. because it matters. because my heart yearns for answers and longs for more and wants to believe that God wants to offer deeper, that God can be more real
desperately i desire more of God. I'm weak, but He is strong. i am torn and useless, but He can use broken vessels that are willing.
im willing
am i really?
willing to what?
willing to die?
thats what He did
for me?
for you?
for everyone?
my selfishness and pride needs to be destroyed
and replaced with the nature and attitude of Christ
I am only human
but He is the Holy Divine God of the everything
WOW
the rainbow, the ocean, the waterfall, the butterfly, the sunflower and the daisy
leave me speechless, breathless
what magnitude, what beauty
from lightening bug to the sparkling star, His brilliance and glory radiates everywhere
But those in the dark do not recognize the light
the cross is foolishness to those who have not believed
they must know
they must hear
we must go
i must go
i must be willing
willing to give my life
to give my life for my Savior and His kingdom
to give my life for a lonely and desolate soul
where? i dont know
when? i dont know
how? i dont know
but this i know, forgetting what is behind and straining ahead, i push forward to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
Its not for a prize though
Its because of Love
We can love because He first loved
Love
no matter the price, the pain, the loss
Love
Love never fails
God is love
God never fails
God will be victorious
Love will be victorious
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Praise the Lord!

home a little bit more

I had a slumber party with my grandparents last night! My granddaddy kissed me bye. He may be losing his mind, but he is way more expressive with his love than ever before.
They are so sweet.
I played scrabble, chinese checkers, and uno with grandmama.
Tonite was kyle's first real scrimmage of his senior year. they won 30 to 6! He ran for one touch down, and Jay moon got a lot of the others. They did really well! We shall see what happens next friday in their first real game. I hope Furman will give kyle some attention this season. cause if not, its looking like Wofford or Georgia Southern might get him.
those could be some interestingly fun games...

my week

Life throws shocking curve balls that are quite tough and hard to deal with- especially when it concerns your dear family.
But, for the most part, this week has been really good, with times that are even quite exciting.
laura cochran drove 9 hours from kentucky to surprise kristen and me for our birthday. She was here till wednesday morning, and when she left, i was still totally taken away by the surprise. I've never had a surprise party. the closest i'd come was in high school, my mama wanted to plan one for kristen and me, but needed help, so we surprised kristen. but, laura's surprise was incredible! We hiked at the park, played in the creek, went to the lake to eat and swim, and she was here for our little family b-day celebrations which was really cool. she tried to curl my nearly uncurlable hair, and we talked a lot. and i mean a lot. i love her to death and im excited to see where our friendship goes this year at school. wednesday was long, but i saw a snake and got to lead youth at my church, so that was an experience. thursday, i dont remember what happened. i think i hung out here at home. oh yeah, i worked at the office and looked at some game books in the church. friday, i had a lunch date with my cousin, went to the lake to get stuff ready for l-team retreat next weekend, and then came home, ran with daddy, and went to kyle's football scrimmage with my parents.
today, it was really cool (weather wise). it felt great. so i read/walked outside and ran. then i went and fed and petted a horse we are babysitting, and then chadwick (my best friend from high school) drove up. we went apple picking in our pasture and climbed the tree. then we walked all through or pasture looking at the ponds and finding how they connected with fences, and then goin to the cows. we didn't have to climb through barbwire till we got where the pasture meets our yard and the cows wouldn't move in front of the gate, and one is sick and could charge us, so we crawled out the side. it was fun. then we just talked about now, highschool, and whatever else. mama and ashley fixed a great supper and kyle brought ellen over to eat with us. then we watched the last half of O Brother Where Art Thou that we started last saturday before Laura came in with SURPRISE! (my parents knew she was coming). it had great and bad parts. a lot of symbolism and pointing out hypocritical christians. i liked that thought provoking stuff. and of course the music is fantabulous.
then, we got in the hottub for a little bit, and then we were starting to head to bed when Kevin shares some upsetting and shocking news. lets say we didn't handle it to well and my parents ended up upset at me. (dont worry, im not pregnant, just disagreement on thoughts). so, then that led to more, and then me understanding more of why my granddaddy killed himself when my mama and her twin were mine and kristen's age.
the concluding thought- drinking one drink may not be wrong, but if not drinking that first would prevent the problem of alcholism, reduce divorce, rape, child/spouse abuse, wrecks, murder, and suicide. i dont know, but it makes since to me to just never take a drink, if not for moral reasons for logical reasons.

love

hate

I prefer love over hate anyday. hate isn't popular in my vocabulary. but there is one thing that i really hate. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE upsetting my parents, making them angry, hurting them, or dissapointing them, or concerning them. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when my parents cry or argue because of me. Relationships are so intricate. I love the family concept because unless you go through a whole long ordeal, you'll always be family.

the love dilema

I'm so afraid to love,
I don't know what to do
I fear the pain, and I want to run
From the heartache that cuts straight through

But without love I am nothing
Without love I am blind
Without love I'll help no one
Without love I will die

But Christ loved enough to die
He loved enough to cry
He loved enough to put His glory aside

His love took on my blame
His love took on my shame
His love stood true and suffered through the pain
No matter what the price, His love carried Him through
So that we could live and experience
The joy of loving too

Help me not be scared
Break down all my walls
Lord I want to love
With the love that You died for

God I need you more