My Daddy

hay, yeah, this group of monkeys is my family. we are definitely a unique groupage of genes, but we can have some fun. One thing i dont like about these new digital cameras is that they take forever to take a picture. usually they go through like 3 flashes and there is all this technique about holding the button down halfway until a colored light comes on, and then push it all the way. what is a red/green colorblind person supposed to do? anyway, my family, yes, i love them, and though i see the ugly depths of the truly sinful person that i am when i am with them, i also see glimpses of Christ's unconditional love. Since i have been raised with the value of family togetherness in competition with God on the priority list, i thought i'd introduce them to you. My dad is a family doctor/farmer. he earns money in the first profession and loses it in the second, but he is passionate and skilled with both. He has such vivid memories of the special family memories of his childhood and wants so much for us to have the same, that i remember many family arguments and tears that were caused by expressions of his frustrations when all 7 of us couldn't sit down at the table together for at least 30 uninterrupted minutes. though at times i felt he was overboard with this, i do have many great memories of family meals. for those of you whom i have scarred with certain "dinner discussions" i blame it on my upbringing. this was our time to talk (not sing) about anything and everything from school to sports, to doctor stuff, to whatever might be going through one of our kid minds of ages 8-18. ok, i gotta go shorter if im gonna get through all of these people. i've always been a daddy's girl. one of my favorite memories with him was riding on the tractor with him to bring in hay from the pasture and seeing the beautiful fall trees and open pasture and (this is a secret) i would sing "home on the range" cause i knew he couldn't hear me above the tractor. i couldn't have imagined a greater happiness. and even when i was obviously much less talented than my siblings, he'd always come up with something to compliment me on to make me feel special. ok, actually, ill just write about daddy today i think, the others will have their other days. We used to run together a lot, and sometimes after running we would go by arby's and get a vanilla milkshake (we both have dessert weaknesses). I remember being 52 lb. and 52 inches tall and helping him with the other siblings to build our log cabin. i loved helping him build things like our log cabin, our fences, and the tree house. one time, just me and him were at the unfinished tree house, i fell through an unnailed board head first (i dont know how) and got hung on a nail. he took me to the office to stich me up, and even let me help sow in the stiches. of us 7, we are the most passionate about music. i wanted to be in the furman singers since i was little, because my daddy was. sometimes he'll just start playing his guitar and singing and ask me to harmonize or something. or when im playing piano, he'll bring in the guitar and we just jam together. he doesn't care that im not a great harmonizer, he just wants to spend time with his daughter. for over half my life, i thought my daddy could never be wrong. i would stand up for him in ways that really concerned my mama. she had to basically teach me that he wasn't perfect like God.
he has a corny sense of humor (imagine that) and loves to dream and do little sweet things for my mama. he couldn't contain his excitement as he was planning this renewing of vows second wedding this with my mama. he would find me, close the door, and then wisper the latest news or idea for this precious happening. He can tell the story of snodgrasses and the wide mouth frog perfectly. He loves to play Jon Denver songs. one time, after we chopped off the head of one of our roosters who was causing trouble, he gave us a hand's on anatomy lesson. we also got to help scale fish, squeeze out the left over pee, and take the eggs out of the pregnant ones. he loves to fish and camp out, and he is all about views of landscape and rich sounds of music. he used to eat a bowl of ice cream every nite, and when i was in high school, he still had the record for something on the weight board. he was a great quarterback, and even started furman football, but after hurting himself at spring training, he decided not so much. we've played tons and tons of front yard football. yeah, we have our moments of conflict, but afterwards, he is sure to show his fatherly concern and uncompromising love for me. even when i try to reject his love and really hurt him, he still loves me. I guess this is why i love to embrace the view of God as a Daddy. there have been countless times where i've just wanted to crawl in my daddy's lap and have him hold me tight while i just cry. when i was really little, i told him i wanted to marry him. he said he was taken at the moment by my mama, and that i'd just have to wait till my turn. im sure you all have great dads as well, but im not interested in swapping. oh yeah, and daddy taught us the monkey face. he can do a great rendition of "If i were a rich man" as well. if you ever see him, its worth your time to ask him to demonstrate. And even though he was the loudest yeller at basketball games (our coach even addressed this issue), he was my biggest fan. and he'll get me and him doughnuts whenever he can :)

just because i feel like writing this, im gonna write a poem that my mama cross stiched and put on the toilet seat of our bathroom, if you know me, you know i frequent this place, and well, i memorized the poem as a kid:
My Daddy
When daddy signs his name
he always writes M.D.
thats so people all will know
that he belongs to me
for M.D. means My Daddy
or something just the same
and that is why he always
puts these letters on his name
Some letters on his name are small
but these are not you see
he always makes them big like that
because he's so proud of me

stream of conscience, warning

man, its only because miracles still occur that i am able to sit up in this chair and write with a smile on my face. In case you haven't gotten the memo, its crunch time here at furman. actually, its crunch half, which means teachers have set due dates for tests, papers, group projects, and individual projects from here to exams. You think the furman faculty is out to kill you until you talk with other friends and see their sleep deprived eyes and realize that many others are in this same boat. i guess its one of those shaping things, that prepares you for the many demands of real world life after graduating from the Furman Bubble. This week has been one thing after another after another after another, with hardly time to breathe, which means waking up earlier and going to bed later so that there is SOME breathe time, not keep from breaking. My physics group project was completed about 30 minutes before it was time to present, and it miraculously went pretty well i thought. i mean, there were no catastrophes. My physics test went well also. and my spanish test, well, i turned it in and left nothing blank, i definitely had some creative, what in the world answers though. I haven't played guitar in about a month, so when i was asked to lead a few songs for BCM earlier that afternoon, well, it was a good motivation to play guitar again. and our overall meeting was really good, it was about confession. One thing i really like about some of my close friends here, is that i feel that i can be my real self and even though its right stupid sometimes, they still talk to me and hang out. I'm continuing to learn the ever depening value of close friends, and the power of encouragement, smiles, and hugs. If a conversation with someone of a card or some action of love and kindness and make my day and lift my mood so much, i realized what responsibilty i have. I mean, every interaction with a person can potentially either lift them up or lower them to some degree. I need to be more intentional to lift up.
i dont know if this is good or bad, but i learned that along with eating coolwhip and iceskating, baking helps me to not stress. I can be a very selfish person, and these times are just rotten, but when i occasionally do something for someone else, it helps put things in perspective. Instead of getting caught up in the Lauren Bubble, i see more of a bigger picture. People are lost and hurting and lonely, and God wants me as a Christian to go minister to them. My close friend who really doesn't stress out about things was telling me her logic, "nothing is so big and bad that we should stress over it except the huge amount of lost people in the world, and actually that should be more of a motivation than a stress.
my family is coming tomorrow! after class, i've had a "no study evening" to recharge my brain. its been so fun! Friday afternoon football was one of the funnest games i remember playing this year. for some reason, i felt hardly no pressure. maybe because after a week like i've had, i couldn't handle any more pressure and just had to pass it off, but also, Taylor informed our group that even though we weren't as talented as the other team, we would do well because we were gonna have fun. thats a good stratedgy. more girls joined the game too, which always lightens the intenseness, unless the girl is my incredibly athletic sister. but she just rocks at everything pretty much, she is super girl, and i've had the priveldge of growing up with her and living with her! ok, so after football, kristen spoted me, and for the first time in my life, i did a roundoff and two consecutive back handsprings. a bunch of stuff popped in my back during the second handspring, but i didn't die. it was so exciting. if you dont really know me, i still have some of my childhood dreams and imagination lingering of being an olympic gymnast and figure skater. anyway, then, i tie died a pillow case purple, our hall had a tie die party! and then... yeah, incredible, i actually went ice skating! it was my second time and super super fun! my first time was for my 19 birthday with my family this past august. i went with some freshman brothers/sisters and other freshman people i didn't know. iceskating is so freeing. some people helped me try to skate backwards as well as twirl. i watched one girl who spun really well. i tried to copy her. i touched the ground a few times, and looked like i was trying to fly to the sky at times, but its all part of the learning process. twirling on the ice is an indescribable feeling. probably not for most people, but for me, well, i love it. one day, one day, maybe ill be decent and do the whole jump in the air and turn that people on tv do. well, as you can tell im on my last bar of battery, and its flickering. nothing profound, sorry, if that's what you're looking for, never read my blog again. i would say i dont know how im gonna survive next week, but that would be major doubting God. He totally brought me through this last one, and so i know He'll do it again, just waiting to see how He does it, thats where the divine surprises of daily life come in. God is creative, and knows i like surprises. well, duh, i guess he designed me that way.
I think some religious scholars read way more into paul's mind than was actually there, but this is just the opinion of a little sophomore girl.

just updates:
im not anywhere close to halfway perfect
im not failing any classes
i dont have a disease or broke bones
im not dating anyone
Jon and Taylor's family group rocks
i still haven't seen all of the lord of the rings or harry potter movies
Handel was doin good when he wrote The Messiah. long, but great music
i still haven't learned how to play the dulcimer, fiddle, or harmonica
i have some crazily incredibly amazing friends
i love fall: colorful leaves, jumping in leaf piles, and coolness
i really look forward to going to my paul class
for spring break, i may either go to mexico with a furman ministry group, or go to work at an orphanage in honduras, but im not sure yet
im learning more geography facts
Laura Cochran is awesome
kristen has seen two snakes around the furman pond, so if you fear them, watchout
:) time to sleep :)

a love that wont let go

wow, ok, so God must be shaping me for something useful. Whenever it seems like im near the end of my rope, God surprises me with something miraculous that stops me frozen and in these moments im reminded how close He is and how much He must love me, and how for some reason He sees me as special and worth His time. I'm ashamed to say that these moments have been occuring too often. dont hear me wrong, its amazing and exciting that God lets us see Him work, and i dont want to miss any, but the fact that ive had a lot of, "oh yeah God, im stupid, there You are, faithful as always, and ive yucked things up again" moments is the sad part. and hear lately, well, ive been a pretty poopy Christian, and i'd like to apologize to all you I have short-changed. You're deserve much more from me than i've given you. ok, so on to the God is indescribable part.
and im not gonna describe Him, just tell little glimpse stories that i've had.
last wed/thursday were two pretty rough days. after lunch, i met with my advisor to register and talk about winter classes, life, majors, futures, that kind of stuff. i told him that right now seminary isn't really in the picture, but i haven't thrown it in the creek either. so, he suggested i swing by the UC at school between 1-3 to see the seminary displays and just get exposed. after the meeting, i did a couple things, and then it was nearly 1 and i thought, well, i really dont want to talk to people i dont know, but it would be cool to just walk through, see what is there, and hopefully get free pens and chocolate candy and talk with a student friend or two. so i walked in, and there at the first table was one of my life heros- Casey Callahan, one of my high school youth ministers. he was at the richmond seminary table (he goes there now). we were both in shock at first, im sure others laughed, but at that moment, there were no others in the room as far as i was concerned. Wow, i couldn't believe it. it's still hard to believe it was more than a dream. we talked for a little while, and it was good. then i emailed kristen before class so she could go see him.

Then today, well, ive been studying most of the day except for an AM walmart run and watching the 2nd half of the Furman game with Jon and Taylor, but yeah. i mean, studying is one of those things that must be done. and, i've been reading a lot about cubans, mexicans, and centroamericanos in spanish, and actually its been quite interesting. but everyone knows how easily it is to get lonely when studying for a long time, and my brain wanders and i start thinking. which isn't always good after a bad week. so anyway, here comes the God is great, God is good part- We discussed ways that God speaks to us in EVM, but we left one way off the list- Away Messages. yeah, everyone knows away messages, and everyone knows that when you dont know what else to do, or want to see if others are having a fun time, you read away messages.
this evening, one of my friends wrote that he has pretty much had a terrible weekend, not that anyone cares, but he just wanted to put it out there - thats what he said
man, i found it hard to believe that this guy could feel this way, he has tons of friends and people who care about him
also, i talked with another friend who thinks he is much less than he really is

first of all, God helped me realize that im not the only one, other people like me deal with these struggles. other people that i know well hurt and doubt themselves, so goodness i need to stop moping and help boost them up and see their value. how selfish of me
also, i started to think that since these two incredible guys feel this way about themselves, and obviously they are missing some good things in and around them, then maybe its possible that i am too

and the last thing, the one that just drove me to write this blog because i had to share it,
as i was reading a book and writing my thoughts and prayers after it, my book hit something on my computer that made a mystery away message come up. this screenname has been on my computer for a long time, but i dont know who it is. as i read the message, i knew it was 114% a God thing: "Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless. Don't forget a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.---part of a speech by Bryan Dyson, CEO of Coca-Cola Inc. from 1259-1994"

Wow. can you imagine what it'd be like to serve a god that you couldn't tell was real? How undeserving i am to be a child of the real God who loves, who is patient, who runs with us, walks with us, dances with us, holds us, and carries us. How great is that love? No one can fathom

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." - Psalm 62:1&2

"One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard; that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." - Psalm 62:11&12
<><